Sexplain It Live: I Wanted a Threesome, but I Didn't Want My Girlfriend to Like It THAT Much

"When it happened, I actually got very jealous. They really seemed to focus on each other, and I felt left out."

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I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner," because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.

This is an edited and condensed transcription from last week's "Sexplain It Live," which was recorded on Men's Health's Instagram. I was joined by Men's Health Deputy Editor Jordyn Taylor, co-author of Men's Health Best. Sex. Ever.

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I had my first threesome with my girlfriend. I had been pushing for us to have a threesome with another woman for a while, but when it happened, I actually got very jealous. They really seemed to focus on each other, and I felt left out. I told my girlfriend the next day, and she got annoyed with me, saying that this was my idea to begin with, and she didn’t even really want to do this. I don’t know how to reconcile our feelings.

JT: So the feelings that he's referencing are that he's feeling left out, and her feelings are that she actually didn't wanna do this in the first place?

ZZ: I think he wants an apology, and she's like, "I'm not giving it to you. I have nothing to apologize for."

JT: I'm totally with her. I agree that she doesn't have anything to apologize for. I'm not saying that it was wrong of him to experience jealousy. That's super normal in a threesome, but I think it was wrong of him not to be clear about what he was hoping to get out of the threesome experience.

ZZ: That's where the issue lies here. Dr. Justin Lehmiller, who studies kinks across the world

JT: He's also one of the experts in Men's Health Best. Sex. Ever.

ZZ: Yes, he is! So he says that threesomes are the most common fantasy, but they're also the most likely to go wrong when you actually do it. And the reasoning is because people assume it's always gonna be about them—exactly what this guy thought. He thought he would live out this fantasy of having two women dedicate all of their time and attention to him. When that didn't happen, he panicked and got jealous. He wasn't expecting that. Honestly, I don't think this couple should have a threesome again, but if they do, they need to set expectations beforehand about how the threesome will go. Will it all be about him or all parties involved?

JT: Yeah, I completely agree with you. Okay, but Zach, let's say they did talk about it since he wrote in this question. The guy was open and was like, "I'm so sorry I got mad at you for connecting with that other woman. That was totally unfair of me because we didn't agree on boundaries beforehand. I now realize that if we were ever to do this again, my ideal scenario would be having all the attention on me." So, let's say he says that, and his girlfriend says, "Okay, I am willing to pursue that kind of experience with you." How the heck do they find somebody who is basically gonna be willing to make this guy the center of attention? I say this because there's this idea of unicorn hunting on apps that are geared toward finding threesomes. I'm worried that this couple could potentially come off that way. And when I say unicorn hunting, I'm referring to couples looking for thirds and generally treating these thirds almost like objects to fulfill their own sexual fantasy.

ZZ: There's no way they can't be unicorn hunters because that's literally what he wants: an object to fulfill his sexual fantasy. So there's no world in which you are not unicorn hunting. I think the key is to be brazenly upfront about it and know that you will get rejected a lot. He may find someone who's down, but honestly, it's probably better to go through friends. He can say, "Hey, it's for my birthday!" And so everyone kind of knows the deal. It's a one-time special thing for him. This seems better than going online and being like, "Hey, so this is gonna do nothing for you. It's about fulfilling my needs. You don't know me, but I'm a stranger using you." Now if that's not your relationship with your friends, and fair enough, I'd hire a sex worker. That's the best way to make it all about you.

JT: I think hiring a sex worker is the best option out of all the ones we just threw out there.

ZZ: I think so, too. Everyone gets their needs met. You get to have your fantasy, no jealousy, no feelings hurt. She gets paid. Everyone is happy.


Watch the full conversation here:

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