I Said Something Weird During Sex and Now She Won’t Text Me Back

Zachary Zane helps a guy right his wrong in this week's column.

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I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner," because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.


Dear Sexplain It,

I'd gone on a few dates with this girl, and finally we went back to her place to have sex. Things started off great. We were both super turned on and seemingly in sync with everything that was going down. Then she took out her vibrator and started using it on herself. It was really hot...until I said, "Yes, be a good girl, and play with your toys for daddy.” She made this awkward facial expression and mumbled something about my comment being creepy. I started apologizing profusely and she said, "It's fine, it was just weird." We finished having sex but we weren't in sync like before, and things were kind of tense until I left. She hasn’t responded to my texts since, and I’m afraid it’s because of what I said. How should I have handled this, and how do I avoid being in this debacle in the future? Is there something I should text her now?

—Failed Dirty Talker

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Dear Failed Dirty Talker,

Oof, this is tough. You tested the waters with some light role play, which is totally fair. She wasn't into it, which is also totally fair. The question is how you get past the resulting awkwardness!

If you’ve already texted her a few times with no response, my advice is to move the fuck along. Your faux pas is an unfortunate reason to end an otherwise blossoming relationship, but as they say, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

If you’ve texted her just once, and she hasn’t replied, then I think it’s fair for you to reach out one final time—but you need to address the elephant in the room. Don't text, “Hey! How was your week?” Acknowledge her feelings and admit you were wrong to assume she was interested in your kink without checking first, explains sex and relationship expert Shamyra Howard, LCSW. “Let her know that you’re committed to showing up differently [if she chooses to hang out with you again],” Howard says.

I’m not a fan of long-winded apology texts. I would text her something along the lines of, “Hey! I just want to apologize again for what I said during sex last time. I shouldn’t have assumed that you’d be into it. I should have spoken to you about this first. Moving forward, I won’t make any assumptions like this again. I really like you, and would like to keep seeing you if you’re interested, but if not, I completely understand.”

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If she doesn't reply, you have your answer. You move on and are mildly consoled by the most annoying dating advice in existence: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Onto your next question: How do you avoid this predicament in the future?

Alright, so I’m a kinky little bastard, but the first time I have sex with someone I’m really crushing on, I have more “vanilla” sex. I don’t whip out toys. I don’t go for a Dom/sub dynamic. Typically, there’s a lot of kissing and a few different sex positions, but that’s it.

I do this for a couple of reasons. First, I think it can be beneficial to see what your “base level” of sex is. How do you connect without toys, role play, and dirty talk? That can give you a sense of which things would enhance your sex moving forward, and which things may detract. Second, I think it takes some of the pressure away. If the first time we have sex, I ask to do more of my wild kinks, the person I’m dating may feel a little intimidated or turned off. It's a lot easier to delve into desires and fantasies after you've had sex (at least once).

So, after your first time doing it, then you can have a conversation about kinks, where, say, you bring up the fact you like being called “Daddy”—which, mind you, is very common. According to sex and pleasure educator Luna Matatas, most folks are “pretty shy and inarticulate” with sexual communication because we’ve never been taught how to clearly communicate our desires and boundaries during sex. That’s why Matatas suggests providing examples about your own fantasies, “which invites them to respond.” You can say something like: “I love dirty talk. I love it when I’m called ‘Daddy,’ and I have my ‘good little girl.’”

They’ll probably respond with some kinks of their own, but if not, you can ask them, “How about you? Are you into dirty talk or anything else?” If they say they don’t know, you can give them options to pick from. “Do you like it more gentle or rough?” “Do you like to have your nipples played with?” “Do you like giving and receiving head? Just one?”

These conversations are only awkward if you make them awkward. If you’re smiling and relaxed, your partner will be much more likely to respond in kind.

So, my friend, you messed up, but barely. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. It was an honest mistake. Hopefully, the woman you're dating comes around and gives you a second chance, but if not, go ahead and find someone else who really wants to be daddy's little girl. Screw it, I'll be your little girl if you're game.

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