Here's the Story of How I Got a Vibrator Stuck Up My Butt and Had to Run to the Hospital

As if that’s not embarrassing enough, I also orgasmed when the doctor pulled it out.

a hand holding a vibrator and a peach
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Listen, I was a lonely girl living with my parents right after I graduated from college. And even though for some people, going off to school is the time for sexual experimentation, it certainly wasn’t for me. Studying as hard as I did basically put me into a massive sex drought, so I was horny for just about anything after. Even when the bagel guy handed me change, I got tingly.

Therefore, I did the only logical thing that made sense at the time: I decided to invest in a vibrator—my first-ever vibrator at that. I grabbed the keys to the shared family minivan in the garage and drove to the nearest pharmacy.

There, I browsed for what felt like eight hours before grabbing the only sex toy in the family-planning aisle: a six-inch wand massager with two settings. It required a single AAA battery. This will do, I thought.

After waiting and waiting and waiting for my parents to fall asleep, it was finally go-time. Listening to the sounds of Sam Waterston speaking during a Law and Order episode I turned on to mask the buzzing noise, I put my little toy to work on my clitoris. I orgasmed almost immediately. I had been a fingers-only masturbator prior to this, so you can imagine the ecstasy I felt.

I continued exploring. Then, around clit orgasm number eight, I noticed that my butthole got a pleasant tingling sensation when I worked the vibe close to it. Drunk on my own cummy adventures, I decided to keep going. I popped a pillow beneath my hips and started circling my butthole with the vibe because that technique had worked so well on my clit.

hand of woman holding sex toy in bed
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My hips bucked even harder as I gently nudged my anal opening with the vibe, and it felt great! So good, in fact, that as I came, my butt basically sucked up the entire length of the vibrator. It was like...well, think about how easy it is to slurp up a pasta noodle in one go. But in this case, instead of going into my mouth, it was well into my asshole.

Now before you say anything, let me tell you that I had done my research about vibrators—mainly the differences between internal and external stimulation. But I had zero idea that if you were going to put a vibe in and around your anus, it needed to have a flared base. This is critical information, my friend, which I found out obviously way too late. (Sex ed really should be better.)

At this point, it was about midnight, and I thought getting it out would be easy. I popped a squat on my bedroom floor, using a hand mirror to try and get a good look at what I was doing. I could get my fingers inside no problem, but the end of the vibrator was nowhere to be found. It became clear that outside help was needed—and my very, very conservative, religious parents would not be an option for that kind of help.

I started to panic-google for suggestions, which led to me looking at countless X-rays of lightbulbs lost up butts and horror stories on internet forums about surgical procedures. My only option was getting to the hospital ASAP.

Think about how easy it is to slurp up a pasta noodle in one go. But in this case, instead of going into my mouth, it was well into my asshole.

When I ran downstairs and reached for the minivan keys, I stopped, thinking about what would happen if I sat down for a solid 20 minutes. Would I drive the vibrator even deeper into...I don’t know, my colon? So I did what any self-respecting 20something would do in such a position: I ran the five miles to the hospital.

I’m not an athlete, so the run was slow and challenging. It took me literally three hours and I cried the whole way. Add the whole workout part to the fact that I felt like I really needed to poop, and it was maybe one of the worst experiences of my life.

When I finally arrived, a nurse came and found me and immediately walked me inside. She took me to a private room and asked a series of questions: What size was the vibrator? How long had it been inside me? Was I experiencing any pain? You know, normal nurse things. After the assessment, she explained the doctor would be in soon and understood why I decided to remain standing despite her suggesting I take a seat.

A few minutes later, one of the top five hottest men I’ve ever seen in my life walked in and introduced himself as the doctor. (Of fucking course.) He instructed me to put my feet up in stirrups, and then, using a very cold pair of lubed-up clamps, he pulled open my butt.

Now as we’ve already established, I clearly love butt play. So even though the clamps were cold, the lube smelled weird, and I was in the most embarrassing position of my life, there was a hot guy playing with my butt.

And that’s when I had my 10th orgasm of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Just as he opened my ass with his clamps. I tried to pass off my moans and leg jerks as discomfort, but I have zero clue if he actually bought it.

Anyway, once I felt the vibrator slide out and he finished his examination, he kindly explained flared bases = cool for anal play and tiny vibrators = never, ever cool for anal play, and then he headed out of the room while giving me permission to leave. Thank goodness.

As I walked outside, the sun was just starting to rise and I caught a bus home, happily sitting the entire ride home. When I got in, my parents were still sleeping. I had somehow pulled off the entire ordeal without anyone finding out. The only real reminder of the visit was my vaguely upset tummy the next day and the crucial knowledge I have now about anal masturbation.

Thankfully, though, the experience didn’t put me off sex toys or masturbating at all. If anything, it made me a lot less shy because, hey, sometimes vibrators get stuck in places they shouldn’t. But the lesson learned here is obvious, my friends: For any and all anal play, flared-base toys only.

*Name has been changed because, well, her parents still don’t know.

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